Two in the Pink, One in the Stink
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Funny Stuff, T Shirt on March 28th, 2009
The Shocker!!
We’ve all heard it. The shocker. It’s so 2000. But some of us refuse to let it go. I’d be lying if I said the Degenerate way would be to rise above this childishness. Quite the opposite in fact. If you’ve always been a fan of the shocker, this is just for you. There are probably a few in there that even you haven’t heard.
- Two in the snapper, one in the crapper.
- Two in her rut, one in her butt.
- Two in the gutter, one in the turdcutter.
- Two in the beav, with an ace up the sleeve.
- Two in the beaver, one where food leaves her.
- Two in the giney, one in the hiney.
- Two in the poon, one in the moon.
- Two in the koot, one in the boot.
- Goin to town with one in the brown.
- Two in the friend, one in the end.
- Two in the crack, one in the back.
- Two in the bow, one in the stern.
- Two in the pleasure, one in the treasure.
- Two in the cat, one in the shat.
- Two in the chute, one in the glute.
- Two in the clam, one in the SHAZAAM
- Two in the fun, one in the bun.
- Two in the clanker, one in the spanker.
- Two in the moose, one in the caboose.
- Two in the coot, one in the boot.
- Two in the creamer, one in the steamer.
- Two in the cummer, one in the bummer.
- Two in the goo, one in the poo.
- Two in the entertainer, one in the panty stainer.
- Two in the hair, one in the derriere.
- Two in the kitty, one in the shitty.
- Two in the hair pie, one in the brown eye.
- Two in the hump, one in the dump.
- Two in the beaver, one to check for fever.
- Two in the cunt, one to make her grunt.
- Two in the junk, one in the trunk.
- Two in the hottie, one in the pottie.
- Two in the pocket, one in the chocolate.
- Two in the heinous, one in the anus.
- Two in the Hot Pocket, one in the shit socket.
- Two in the bank, one in the stank.
- Two in the grass, one in the ass..
- Two in the snatch, one up the hatch.
- Two in the snapper, one in the crapper.
- Two in the valley, one up the alley.
- Two to consumate, one to constipate.
- Two where they’re born, one where there’s corn.
- Rockin’ and rollin’ with one in the colon.
- Two in the tuna, one in the can.
- Two for the snatch, one for the hatch.
- Two gettin freaky while one is being sneaky.
Degenerate Health Tip #1
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Life on March 18th, 2009
Are you trying to lose weight? Trying to be a little healthier?
I am, but it is hard to do when you are a Degenerate. Friday rolls around and there is one thing I need to forget about that annoying thing I call work: Beer.
Turns out beer may be sabotaging those weight loss efforts. Unbelievable. Betrayed by a trusted friend. Look at some of these examples:
- Blue Moon has 171 calories per 12 oz serving!
- Fat Tire, 160!
- Pabst Blue Ribbon, 153!
Even Bud light has 110 and I’d rather drink pis. It would probably get you drunker too. Holy hell, drink 5 Fat Tire’s over the course of a night and that’s more calories than a Big Mac.
The solution?
Next time, pour yourself a nice whiskey on the rocks. A shot of Makers Mark has only 69 calories. Nice. As an added bonus you’ll look way manlier.
** Warning: Degenerate Blog does not actually give medical advice. You are an idiot if you mistake this for legitimate medical consulting. Please seek professional advice if you have any real questions. Degenerate Blog assumes no repsonsiblity. For anything. Ever.
First Ever Degenee! Category: Education
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Degenee, Funny Stuff on March 15th, 2009
We all know that the U.S. is lagging behind most of the civilized word in education. What can we do to change that? The problem is that kids these days just don’t want to pay attention. Ask any teacher and they will tell you the same thing: it’s just so hard to get through to them. It is obvious that the U.S. needs to mimic methods used by other countries and borrow some of their winning strategies.
Take this German teacher for example – an educator extraordinaire. If I had more teachers like that growing up I sure as hell would have been a better student. Attendance? Perfect! Always paying attention to the teacher? Hell yes! In fact, I am so impressed with this teacher, that she has scored herself the first ever Degenee! Congratulations and keep up the good work!
German Teacher Captivates her Students
A Degenee is a very prestigious award given out by Degenerate Blog to recognize the achievements of various individuals or organizations.
A Degenerate Salute to Strippers
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Degenerate Tee Design Spotlight, Just Plain Degenerate on March 13th, 2009
Some say that stripping is demeaning and exploitive to women. Oh really? I bet those people have never actually gone to a strip club. Do me a favor, the next time you find yourself at a gentlemen’s club, take a look around at the clientele. You will see the bachelor party types, drunken college students, etc but you will also see the pathetic losers. Pot-bellied men with wispy comb-overs, stained clothing and low self confidence are hounded by beautiful half naked women that normally would never give them a second glance. Money practically leaps out of their wallets, landing securely between a thin piece of elastic and a trim waistline. “Paycheck gone? No problem, hand me your credit card and this doesn’t have to stop.” These guys are in there week after week. The girls call them “regulars.”
A stripper once said, “When I see a man walk into the club, I think two things: How much money does he have, and how much can I get.” More on why stripping does not exploit or demean.
So, step back and really take a moment to think about it. Who is exploiting whom? It’s a free market between consenting adults. There are lots of guys that love boobies, many of whom don’t have convenient access to them. If a pretty girl agrees to the price that market is offering why not make it happen? Guess what, that price usually ends up being a salary that beats the crap out of the average college grad’s paycheck. On top of that we are only talking a few hours a night for only a couple nights a week! Who am I kidding, I’d consider it if I was a hot chic.
So here is a Degenerate salute to all the girls out there paying the bills with what nature (and maybe a talented surgeon) gave them. We say go for it. Be proud!
Stripping: Cash in While You Still Got It
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An Update on Progress
Posted by Chief Degenerate in T Shirt on March 12th, 2009
I have already said I’m starting from scratch skill wise. To provide an idea of what is involved, I’ll go through a quick recap:
- Brainstorming shirt ideas
- This was fun. I have a couple hundred ideas ranging from ones I feel good about to ones that are lame, but that’s brainstorming.
- Select a business model – do it all myself or use a fulfillment service?
- I’m going with CafePress to start. If you haven’t heard of them, they are a printing and fulfillment service, meaning I only have to create the designs and market them. They will charge, print and ship to my customers.
- I selected this route because it reduces my overhead dramatically and it will allow me to offer lots of variety. My goal is to achieve positive cash flow as fast as possible and then go from there.
- The downsides are
- I don’t have direct control over quality but they do pretty well and offer a money back guarantee on all work.
- They charge quite a bit for their efforts.
- Create the websites
- Cafepress greatly aids in the production of the online store by providing a menu driven interface to create it, however this still required some playing to learn how to use it.
- This blog. Again, I’m a total noob in the web design world so even setting this up has taken lots of hours of playing and reading.
- Designing
- I didn’t even own Photoshop before so again, I’m a total noob. I have learned a lot but I’m still rather slow. Again, many hours playing and reading.
So there it is, several months of what I’ve been doing in my free time condensed. The initial periods were research and learning. Now I am solidly into the “doing” phase so you should see much faster progress now – even though there is so much to do it appears overwhelming at times.
If anyone wants to know more, feel free to ask.
Next I will provide a quick recap on some designs I have finished and some new developments. Plus some stuff just for fun is coming up!
Embarrassing Confessions
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Embarrassing Confessions on March 9th, 2009
I can’t do a cartwheel.
Adult A.D.D.
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Entrepreneurship, T Shirt on March 9th, 2009
Sucks.
OK. I admit it. I have A.D.D. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty functional guy – I get things done. However I’m always going too many directions at once. During moments of hyper focus I’m capable of producing work very efficiently. In the end I average out to normal productivity.
I am discovering that on the path to becoming an entrepreneur A.D.D. is a blessing and a curse. It is what allows me to see all sorts of crazy connections and how things could work out. It is why I am a dreamer. I will notice a reference to something I haven’t heard about yet, and then I’m off on a tangent, learning something new with my mind racing about how it fits into my overall plan. I think “wow this could be so huge; this is just what I need!” Then after a while I realize that I’ve just distracted myself (again) and I go back to what I should be doing. The problem is seeking an effective balance between running around dreaming and the actual forward progress towards those dreams. Both are obviously necessary.
What am I talking about? I just realized I have 17 internet windows or tabs open! This is the ugly face of lack of focus. Well, let’s be realistic: if I am setting up a T-Shirt company my priority should be designing! There is next to nothing on the T-Shirt site yet! I have only put the finishing touches on 3 designs to date. I have brainstormed a ton of ideas though. I am creating too many loose ends that tie into my larger vision but in doings so failing to form anything! It doesn’t make sense to get too obsessed with promotion and marketing when there is nothing to promote or market. Trying to create both aspects of a business at once is proving tricky.
So, now that I have realized this, my focus will be cranking out designs first and foremost. I just want to say to everyone that has come to my little blog here that I have big dreams for it to become much more than a diary about myself, but for the next month or so that is mainly what it will be. Stick with me and that will change. Hopefully you will at least get a chuckle out of my floundering and haphazard progress.
Slow Progress because of Weed
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Entrepreneurship, Life, T Shirt on March 4th, 2009
I’m chugging along trying to get things off the ground, but I have wasted a lot of time on weed.
It’s probably not what you are thinking though.
The Man Holding Me Down
Yep, the man is holding me down like a true degenerate. Despite my publishing this notice on the internet, I’m not particularly proud. I’m that guy. Everybody has one on their street. That person that doesn’t take care of their house. Except on my street, it’s me. Luckily I finally realized something. If you are a degenerate, that’s just how you are. I’m probably not going to change much when it comes to stuff like this. I lack whatever it is that makes people care about this sort of stuff. It’s a character flaw of some kind. Having weed free front landscaping brings me little pleasure in life. I’m pretty neutral to it. Creating the weed free environment on the other hand causes me much aggravation. I probably shouldn’t have a house to take care of in the first place, but in this market that isn’t an easy problem to fix. So the only solution is to sub-contract that aspect of my life. I can’t cure myself but I have to blend in somewhat with what is expected of me.
So last weekend saw more weed pulling and less photoshop. More cursing and less designing. Which reminds me, let me elaborate on my graphic design skills, web skills and general business skills:
None.
That’s right. I have decided to purse the idea of making a T-shirt business because I feel it would be a fun outlet for my creative side. I think it will be good for a laugh and give me the opportunity to poke fun at various things that I feel need poking. I have no background in business. I have absolutely no skill in web design or graphic design. I don’t even have artistic ability.
These are all very good reasons to think that I will fail miserably. These are all very good reasons to quit right now.
I’m not going to. All it takes is a simple change of perspective and every problem has a solution. I’m out to prove something. I’m out to prove that just doing it is half the battle. I’m out to prove that just getting started is the most important decision to be made. I have only been seriously working on this project for a few weeks and I have already learned quite a bit. Things are falling into place. Whether this project is ultimately labeled a success or failure I will have learned quite a bit that no doubt will help me later.
I am going to record my progress here and my thoughts so that if I am successful, my journey will be recorded. It is so easy to look at the finished product and ignore what it took to get there. This blog serve as my tracks through the sand recorded in real time. My hope is that eventually it might serve as inspiration for others who want to do something similar. How many people are interested in entrepreneurship? How many actually do something about it? Those were rhetorical questions but I’m going to answer them anyway because that’s what I do. A lot and not too many.
Until I can actually serve as a either horrible warning or a shining example (it will be fun to see which ammirite?), I’m going to find some stories of other people to highlight. Not the “I invented Facebook” type of stories, but of slightly more down to earth achievements.
In the spirit of the pursuit of goals, I’m going to outline a few for the month. This is a new thing for me.
- Officially launch the T-Shirt site by April Fools Day and start promoting.
- Gain control over my house.
- Play 20,000 hands of poker (any self respecting degenerate should seriously consider gaining some poker skills).
- Get some form of exercise at least 4 days a week.
- Finish speed reading book.
An Idea is Born
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Entrepreneurship, T Shirt on February 24th, 2009
If you have read my last post, you know that I have gone insane. It’s really not that bad. In fact, I can hardly tell the difference.
Cliff notes if you didn’t read it: I need to escape from the need to have a real job. It’s just not for me.
OK that’s great and all, but I need a plan. A heist of some kind would be ideal. How cool would that be? I could pull it off too. Think about the idiots that usually commit crimes. I’m almost sure I could come up with a better plan than this guy:
Man accused of trying to cash check for $360,000,000,000.
You know, I do base somewhere around 58% of my life on the movie Office Space. Maybe I should come up with some sweet plan like that. A computer scam! If you don’t know what I’m talking about then for shame. FOR SHAME! Office Space is required viewing for all Degenerate Blog readers and it is perhaps the greatest and the most accurate representation of a typical white collar job.
Well, come to think of it, I’m not much of a programmer. So a computer scam is probably not a good idea after all. You know, with my skill set I could make excellent drugs. I mean, I’m talking about “the stuff.” My real job is in the biotech industry. I could easily utilize my chemistry skills and turn out some high quality illicit substances. I could live in a big compound with barbed wire fences. Henchmen wearing dark sunglasses sporting machine guns would prowl the premises. Expensive cars carrying “business” associates would pull through the gate and be greeted by my numerous body guards. I would conduct my all business while wearing Hawaiian shirts, sitting on my patio smoking cigars. Then we could go feed my tiger. I’d learn to talk with an accent….
No. That probably isn’t a good idea either. Maybe I should focus on legal stuff, especially if I plan to blog about it.
Then finally it hit me. I should make T-shirts. Grandiose, I know. It does makes some amount of sense to me. I spend most of my time solidly in left brain mode. I feel my right brain is capable of quite a bit. It needs exercise – badly. I feel I used to be a more creative person than I am. Engineering school stifles creativity in a way. Yes, it molds you into a problem solver, but at the same time, most of the solutions are very much within “the box.” True, out of left field creativity is not a priority.
For my first project, I want something highly centered on creativity. I want to rattle those sections of my brain that are hushed. Those sections that are normally only considered a distraction. That little voice that whispers funny, inappropriate things and makes my mind wander away from whatever it is I should be paying attention to at the time – like those work meetings. Instead of fighting it, I’m going to give that little voice a megaphone.
What can you expect to see in the coming weeks?
You guessed it! Pure, unadulterated degeneracy. My goal is to push the boundaries of good taste. Of course by push I mean completely ignore.
Stay tuned.
Quarter Life Crisis!
Posted by Chief Degenerate in Entrepreneurship, Life on February 14th, 2009
How did I get here?
A preface for my audience, whoever that may be: The initial posts here will describe how this site came into existence and what my motivation is. It will be a little heavier than I like. Bear with me for a bit and I promise the balance will shift greatly to a much much more light-hearted environment. Perhaps one day I will look back on these posts and laugh, thinking, that really was an interesting time in my life – I’m glad I did decide to chronicle it. I feel like an emo kid. Anyone who knows me personally will know this is highly out of character. Indicative of something – I’m just not sure what yet.
Perhaps one day they will read these posts in order, saying, “Wow, you really can just watch the gentle slip into madness… Don’t you agree Dr. Funke?”
Puffing pensively on his pipe he would reply slowly, “Mmmmmmmmmm. Indeed, let’s write it up as a case study old boy. But it is a shame. Such a shame we couldn’t help him.” Glancing through the window they watch me slowly rocking, muttering.
“Well old chap, if we can’t, then surely nobody in the psychiatric community can!” Uproarious laughter follows.
“Good point! Pass the scotch…”
But I digress, on to the background.
My whole life I have only had a moderate grasp on the concept of time. I can blame my mother. She is chronically late. When I say chronically, I do mean systematically. She does have her extremely redeeming qualities, such as a tremendous work ethic. I would say that example of work ethic contributed heavily to the path I followed. After high school, it only made sense to continue on to college, despite the utter lack of funds. Get an education. Get a good job. This is the conventional wisdom of our times. Everything will be OK if you just follow those steps. Ah the pursuit of goals. For better or worse I selected a technical field, Chemical Engineering. While I never had to try very hard to succeed since I was blessed with a relatively high aptitude in these areas, it was still a ton of work. Between working to pay for school and going to school, most of my time was simply dominated. It was not my own. The major consumers were of course: school, studying/homework, partying, sleeping and working. With a young resilient body and mind it was perfectly feasible to delete a solid chunk from the sleeping category and the studying category while still getting by. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Eating ramen, putting up with all the hassles associated with school and just trying to survive. It all made sense. There was always the light at the end of the tunnel.
Graduate.
Get a job.
What now?
The foolish belief that if you work hard, are smarter, better, faster – in short, pimp it, then it will be recognized and rewarded. Fast forward and I have discovered I can outperform my colleagues. I can think sharply, work efficiently and provide value for my time to my employer. I can contribute meaningfully to important problems.
Believe in capitalism. Theoretically, I should be rewarded for my efforts. If I can do better than the guy next to me, I will benefit. That is the system.
Theoretically.
A disgruntled state ensued. Optimism gradually is replaced with negativity and complaints. It’s not fair. Age and initials following one’s name shouldn’t matter in this cut-throat capitalist society, right? If you can hack it that’s what counts. Wrong. Logic and the way things should be have no place.
I need a new job. Greener pastures where they believe in capitalism. Where the reward is truly based on ability, and productivity? Does it exist? Maybe. A sales job? Performance based pay? Perhaps…
It is all very personal. After a great deal of introspection, it is clear I need to be in control of my fate and my time, for better or worse. I can’t rot my life away at a desk, wasting 50 hours to do what I can accomplish in 10, for half the pay of people I can work circles around. For me, the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be an oncoming train. Jump off the tracks a second before it’s too late. Shuffle down the wall to the end of the tunnel, heart still pounding. 8,000 pounds of steel hurtling by my face. That was close. Step into the blinding sunlight of the real world – the end of the tunnel at last. It’s too bright to even see clearly. Squinting, I realize there is no need to follow those damn tracks I have been plodding along my entire life like an automaton. There is always a choice.
Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
John Hodge
I chose not to choose life, I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons! Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?’
Just kidding. I can’t back that up. I was getting too serious there and just had to dial it back for a second. I briefly considered the heroin, but Trainspotting
I have chosen something else. I could hop jobs, battling the system that I will never change. Become a Vice President at 38, all the while being subservient and owned. That won’t do for me. I would go crazy. Entrepreneurship. It has been an interest of mine for years but alas, I was following the tracks through that damn tunnel. I see the real light now. It is overwhelming. I can only squint while my eyes adjust.
I realized I don’t like the person I was becoming. Negative. Feeling like my very soul is being crushed by the lack of control in my own life. Less and less happy. In short, a full blown, “what the fuck am I doing quarter life crisis.” Time has been cruel to me. I didn’t pay enough attention to it. Time is hurt, it doesn’t approve of the casual regard I gave it. It got back at me by slipping by at an alarming rate. I know it’s not screwing around. It’s going faster and faster like some cruel carnival ride. The Carney at the switch is dead. The slowly forming realization that although many elements are out of my control, it is still my fault.
I always have choice. I don’t need the leisurewear. I don’t need the matching luggage. I don’t care about what kind of fucking washing machine I have. All I know is that I certainly don’t want to choose rotting away at the end of it all. Channel the anger and negativity into productivity. Retain the youthful optimism. Don’t become broken and complacent. I can choose my life.
So many directions to choose from. So many.
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